Dad...
So I don't even remember that I actually started this project. I knew that I wanted to so I could try to help myself through this greiving process. When I reread what I had typed I vagely remember it. I obviously did it from my ipad because of the typing, besides I just set up my computer today. Apparently I had written that the night after you had passed away, that was a bad night for me. I had held it together for mom until we picked up Jeremy from the airport and a few hours into our drive home, I started to feel the pain and emptiness and the hole left behind in my life. It was unbearable. I took my ambien to help myself sleep that night, apparently that's when I had written the blog, after we got home and before I fell asleep. Since then I have been numb, I guess in denial. I know you are gone logically, but emotionally it hasn't effected me. I've cried a little here or there but it doesn't last, not like I usually cry and you know I cry about everything. Everytime I think about you I just remember the hospitals and the last few years of you being sick. I have dreams about it.
K now some tears, but not like I expect... that pain I felt the night after, it was a hollow emptiness daddy... I'm scared to feel that again. I may not, but I am scared to deal with it because the feeling was so overwhelming. I went through anger too, not at you for dieing like some do, or at God for taking you like others... I think anger for having to hurt so bad. The feeling of loneliness has always scared me, and I am always scared everyone will die before me and leave me here on Earth alone daddy. I wish God would come back soon and take us all away to heaven so we don't have to ever feel that pain of being alone. I know you have differant views on that, well I guess you have the answer to that question now.... guess we should have set up a sign so you could let me know whats up... funny.
I've been busy since I have been home, Jess has made a ton of headway with the house, and tonight is moms first night home alone. I don't want to get up in the mornings, the other day I slept till 3 pm... embarassed to admit it but I did... obviously the stress of loosing you is getting to me. I want to let it out, I want to cry and understand that your not there anymore, I want to feel something. I feel like a horrible daughter for not feeling anything, for not missing you, for not remembering anything except the bad times you have had the last few years. I know logically that is stupid too, that me remembering the pain is a protective mechanism. I didn't want you in pain, I didn't want you trapped in the cave of the house watching a tv that was starting to go out and not even being able to see it much at all since your eye sight was so bad. You couldn't even cook anymore which was something you loved to do because you couldn't be without your oxygen and you had a gas stove... you got too tired to even make your coffee in the morning towards the end, and I was going to start to wake up early to make it for you... you had lost so much I didn't want to see you loose more. So yes, I am relieved your gone. It makes me feel guilty to feel that way. You wanted me to go on with my life, to go back to school and work, and I couldn't because I was going to be by your side till the end. I couldn't do that till you were gone. Mom couldn't move on either. She needs to get out of the house and do things and she got to where she didn't want to go to the store or go to her dr's apts because she was scared to leave you alone. I am relieved for all of us. Every day we had with you was a blessing I know that, but we knew the end was coming, but I didn't want to see you suffer anymore, so yes I am relieved. I think you are relieved too... but that doesn't make me feel less guilty.
I'm going to call the school tomorrow and get the FAFSA sent out to me, ask questions regaurding the financial aid, and set up an appointment with a counselor. I might go straight into school instead of the CNA corse first. It seems like it makes more sense, I want to make you proud. I want you to know I am going to be okay. I want to cry and I want to miss you I want to feel something and I don't want to be numb and wondering around in a haze anymore. I don't know, it's not like me to have no emotion, it's not a place I am used to.
I do miss you dad, I want to call and see if your okay, because that's what my life had become this last year, making sure you and mom were okay. I guess you are now. Guess I can move forward. Guess I have to learn how to.
Love you daddy
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